18.2

18.2%. My body fat percentage. I'm just going to own it. I've really been struggling over the past few days with how I feel about it.
For the past several months I have really struggled with feminism and what it means and who I am and what I do and why I do it and who I do it for. Daughters of Distance by Vanessa Runs has really helped me see the different faces of feminism and realize that it's not a one size fits all movement, so many women struggle with so many different demons. If I would have had the Bod Pod test done a year ago and got these results I would have likely been excited, and not given it a second thought. I would have hoped that it made people jealous and tried to compare my number to someone else's. I have always liked looking lean and being skinny, fortunately, I have the genetics that makes that look a little more obtainable for me.
This year, though, my feelings were not 100% positive for a few reasons.

18.2% is a byproduct of doing something that I love, and I don't want someone to take what I love and turn it into means to an end to achieve 18.2%. I like to run, more specifically I like to trail run and I would love for people to find enjoyment in that, in being outside, in realizing that they are stronger than they think they are. I don't want my love of trail running to be reduced to "the best way to get your body fat under 20%."

I don't want to be the standard against which other women in my life decide they're not enough (or too much). The day after my Bod Pod test, I found myself wondering, "are my results kept private? Or are they talked about openly?" Since I work in the medical field it's an easy assumption that what goes on in the office stays in the office, but I realized, I went to a gym, they don't have to follow HIPAA or any privacy laws and I sure didn't sign a form stating whether or not my information would be shared or kept private. It wasn't long until I had my answer. I got a text from my husband, who works out at the gym, and he said they were talking about my results and the only other woman who had results that low is a "professional fitness chick," and her name was mentioned. I don't want people to look at me and see me as a number that they have to compete with or compare themselves to.

the "large" shirt fits

I'm not that tiny, and that's what's scary. In fact, my weight alone is closer to the "overweight" standard than "underweight." <-- That is why I decided to have my body mass tested. I wear a size 4-6 or a medium in most brands. Even at 18.2% I still have "problem areas" in a swimsuit. If you compared me to the images that the media says is "beautiful" or "thin" or "ideal proportions" I am still a long way from it, and truthfully that implication is disgusting. I told my running coach my results, and she was the first one who didn't think it was awesome or congratulate me, she was the first one to express concern that it might be *gasp* too low, and I love her for that because I was thinking the same thing. Being skinny and being healthy are not synonymous. There is such a thing as too skinny, and not enough fat and that is UNHEALTHY, but we would never believe that because Hollywood, Photoshop, and retail stores feed us lies all the time that the ideal woman is skin and bones with a tiny bit of bulge and definition in her shoulders and calves, but not too much. This was most evident when I went to Target to buy some clothes a few days ago. I understand that some women are tiny and petite and need really little clothes, but can we agree that "medium" should be the universal size for an average person? I did some google research and the average height for an American woman is 5'4" (I'm above average there), and average weight for an American woman is 166.2 lbs (I'm below average there). I had to try a large shirt (photo included) because the medium was too small (and not because it was too short), WHAT?!? My ego honestly doesn't care what the size on the label says, but in what world, under what standard is 18.2% body fat a women's large? No wonder women have issues loving themselves when they can't go to a chain store in their "average American" bodies and purchase clothes that fit them that aren't XXXL or maternity.

Here's the thing, I think overall health is what's important, and the "average" numbers listed above are outside of the "healthy" range. But, my stats are also flirting with the line of unhealthy. Does acknowledgment of that mean that I hate my body? No. I love my body, it has allowed me to do some pretty incredible things, but numbers can tell us where there is room for improvement, and I have other big goals ahead that I need to be at my best for. Knowledge is power, right? So, don't hate the numbers, and don't hate your body, it's capable of some pretty amazing things. Use these numbers as tools to guide you into being your best and healthiest self, not your skinniest self, not your "I want to be as skinny as her" self, or the "I wish I had bigger boobs" self, stop comparing, stop judging, stop shaming, stop hiding, stop making excuses. Start smiling, get in the pictures, have fun, love your life and love your body and in loving your body figure out how to treat it right. Own where you are and take pride in what you're doing to make things better. Beauty is fleeting and if that's all you're after you will never find joy, so search for joy and maybe you'll find beauty where you least expect it.