An Apology And Explanation To My Friends, Family, And Loved Ones

I need to apologize for my selfish ways for the indefinite previous months. I have focused a lot on myself recently and I know that I have missed birthdays, anniversaries, births of babies, baby showers, weddings, funerals, church gatherings. I have failed to return messages and phone calls. I have been absent from celebrations, hardships, and ways to support you in your lives and for my lack of involvement and checking in, I am so sorry.

Most of you know that TransRockies Run 6 is rapidly approaching in a matter of hours, what you may not know is the significance of this event in my life. I first set my sights on TransRockies in 2011 and started training for it in March 2016. Since starting my training I have logged 1,322.58 miles and 310:21:17 hours in training as of today.

In the spring I learned that the company I have worked at for nearly 7 years would be permanently closing its doors this summer or fall, it ultimately closed on July 14, 2017. With the closing of Premier Women’s Healthcare, one of my very closest friends is moving away, the second very close friend I’ve lost geographically in less than a year. I’ve also lost the co-workers and friendships that are naturally created when you spend so many hours together. We’ve lost some financial security as I don’t have anything lined up when my responsibilities with PWHA conclude. I have fears of being “overqualified” for most job opportunities that can accommodate the schedule that our family needs. Some of my co-workers are still unemployed after their jobs ended on July 14th, which doesn’t lend itself to finding peace about my own circumstances.

As a result of all of these changes, instability, and fears I have done what the mountains have taught me to do for so many years during the hard times, and that’s to put my head down and keep putting one foot in front of the other until the crappy weather or situation passes. Fortunately, during this time I have had TransRockies to focus on, look forward to, and move toward. Unfortunately, unless you’re a part of my running circle I have been pretty absent from your life.  It has been difficult for me to find words and relate in small talk about your life or mine and to get into the deep stuff means going to some dark places that I don’t know that I’m ready to discuss or I don’t want to bring you or our relationship down with my problems or bore you to death with running details.

Chad and Dakota know this reality all too well and I am forever grateful for their continued love, patience, and support through this journey and for their willingness to support me through my Leadville 100 goal in 2018.

To the rest of you, I am sorry that I haven’t given you much opportunity to be supportive and that I’ve been too self-involved to be invested in your life.

When TransRockies is over, I know there will be a void, some loneliness, fear, and depression will rear its ugly head and I pray that you will all find a tiny place in your lives for our friendship to rekindle. You are all still very important to me and I hope that my absence in your lives didn’t come across as a direct insult or ill feelings toward you. To my recollection, no one has made me upset or hurt my feelings in the recent months that warrants “unfriending.”

I love and miss you all and I’m excited to renew relationships this fall if you will have me. :)

18.2

18.2%. My body fat percentage. I'm just going to own it. I've really been struggling over the past few days with how I feel about it.
For the past several months I have really struggled with feminism and what it means and who I am and what I do and why I do it and who I do it for. Daughters of Distance by Vanessa Runs has really helped me see the different faces of feminism and realize that it's not a one size fits all movement, so many women struggle with so many different demons. If I would have had the Bod Pod test done a year ago and got these results I would have likely been excited, and not given it a second thought. I would have hoped that it made people jealous and tried to compare my number to someone else's. I have always liked looking lean and being skinny, fortunately, I have the genetics that makes that look a little more obtainable for me.
This year, though, my feelings were not 100% positive for a few reasons.

18.2% is a byproduct of doing something that I love, and I don't want someone to take what I love and turn it into means to an end to achieve 18.2%. I like to run, more specifically I like to trail run and I would love for people to find enjoyment in that, in being outside, in realizing that they are stronger than they think they are. I don't want my love of trail running to be reduced to "the best way to get your body fat under 20%."

I don't want to be the standard against which other women in my life decide they're not enough (or too much). The day after my Bod Pod test, I found myself wondering, "are my results kept private? Or are they talked about openly?" Since I work in the medical field it's an easy assumption that what goes on in the office stays in the office, but I realized, I went to a gym, they don't have to follow HIPAA or any privacy laws and I sure didn't sign a form stating whether or not my information would be shared or kept private. It wasn't long until I had my answer. I got a text from my husband, who works out at the gym, and he said they were talking about my results and the only other woman who had results that low is a "professional fitness chick," and her name was mentioned. I don't want people to look at me and see me as a number that they have to compete with or compare themselves to.

the "large" shirt fits

I'm not that tiny, and that's what's scary. In fact, my weight alone is closer to the "overweight" standard than "underweight." <-- That is why I decided to have my body mass tested. I wear a size 4-6 or a medium in most brands. Even at 18.2% I still have "problem areas" in a swimsuit. If you compared me to the images that the media says is "beautiful" or "thin" or "ideal proportions" I am still a long way from it, and truthfully that implication is disgusting. I told my running coach my results, and she was the first one who didn't think it was awesome or congratulate me, she was the first one to express concern that it might be *gasp* too low, and I love her for that because I was thinking the same thing. Being skinny and being healthy are not synonymous. There is such a thing as too skinny, and not enough fat and that is UNHEALTHY, but we would never believe that because Hollywood, Photoshop, and retail stores feed us lies all the time that the ideal woman is skin and bones with a tiny bit of bulge and definition in her shoulders and calves, but not too much. This was most evident when I went to Target to buy some clothes a few days ago. I understand that some women are tiny and petite and need really little clothes, but can we agree that "medium" should be the universal size for an average person? I did some google research and the average height for an American woman is 5'4" (I'm above average there), and average weight for an American woman is 166.2 lbs (I'm below average there). I had to try a large shirt (photo included) because the medium was too small (and not because it was too short), WHAT?!? My ego honestly doesn't care what the size on the label says, but in what world, under what standard is 18.2% body fat a women's large? No wonder women have issues loving themselves when they can't go to a chain store in their "average American" bodies and purchase clothes that fit them that aren't XXXL or maternity.

Here's the thing, I think overall health is what's important, and the "average" numbers listed above are outside of the "healthy" range. But, my stats are also flirting with the line of unhealthy. Does acknowledgment of that mean that I hate my body? No. I love my body, it has allowed me to do some pretty incredible things, but numbers can tell us where there is room for improvement, and I have other big goals ahead that I need to be at my best for. Knowledge is power, right? So, don't hate the numbers, and don't hate your body, it's capable of some pretty amazing things. Use these numbers as tools to guide you into being your best and healthiest self, not your skinniest self, not your "I want to be as skinny as her" self, or the "I wish I had bigger boobs" self, stop comparing, stop judging, stop shaming, stop hiding, stop making excuses. Start smiling, get in the pictures, have fun, love your life and love your body and in loving your body figure out how to treat it right. Own where you are and take pride in what you're doing to make things better. Beauty is fleeting and if that's all you're after you will never find joy, so search for joy and maybe you'll find beauty where you least expect it.

Here we go, the start of Mountain Gella

Here I am, 32 years old, wife, mom, soon to be between jobs and embarking on an all-in ultrarunning life. I am entered in the Leadville Trail 100 Run for 2018.
This could all be traced back to 2000 when our church youth group took a trip to Twin Lakes, CO to climb Mt. Elbert. This trip was for those who had finished 9th-12th grades and wanted to go on a camping trip and climb a mountain in Colorado. I don't really know why, but I always looked forward to being old enough to finally go on "Trek." When I showed up to the interest meeting one of the local football players looked at me and scoffed "you're going on this trip? Don't expect me to carry any of your stuff" I assured him that wouldn't be necessary. So it began. Not only did I go on the trip, I loved it, I carried all my own gear without problems, and when the macho football player was struggling up the mountain I carried some of HIS stuff. Funny how even after 17 years I remember how that comment made me feel and the fire it lit inside me. I went on the trip again in 2002, we climbed Mosquito Peak. In 2003 I started volunteering for the camp and I still volunteer my time with them today.
Nothing about my junior or high school years was particularly terrible, nor was it outstanding. I didn't have a lot of friends, but I had enough acquaintances to not be an outcast. I'm facebook friends with some people from high school but I don't keep in touch with anyone. When I found the mountains though, I felt like I was home, everything made sense, my heart was happy and they bring me so much joy and confidence. Year after year, from 2003-2010 I couldn't help myself, I had to return to the mountains for weeks on end and climb those mountains.
In 2010 I guess you could say it was time to "grow-up," I had bought a home in Texas, found a steady job, a great man to marry and became a traditional adult. We vacationed in the mountains every year for a week at a time, sometimes twice a year.  In 2013 I climbed my last mountain, LaPlata Peak. In 2014 we had our wonderful daughter and since then my hiking boots, pack, sleeping bag, and tent have been collecting dust and taking up precious space in a closet.
I love my husband and daughter fiercely and would not trade them for anything, I want to make that completely clear. They meet and exceed any expectations I may have had about my future family when I was 12-years-old doodling hearts and playing MASH in a spiral notebook. Even when a part of your life is great there can still be something missing. For me, that missing piece is the wilderness. I need it, I crave it, it makes me whole so that I can be everything that my family needs and wants me to be.
For a while, I felt depressed, lost and just sad for no apparent reason. In March 2016 a friend and I agreed to do TransRockies Run 6 in 2017 and through running I felt a little better, I thought that I just needed something that was mine to be excited about. As part of our training, we have done monthly trail races since January, distances from 10k to 50k. I was eager to put Leadville Race Series events on our race schedule, the Austin Rattler, and the Leadville Marathon. The 50k in Bastrop, TX came before my first marathon and it went well, I felt empowered to call myself an "Ultrarunner." It was definitely an accomplishment, but I wouldn't say that the race brought me a lot of joy. Then, last week, was the Leadville Marathon, the race that I was the most anxious and excited about on our calendar, aside from TransRockies. It was amazing! It was the first time since 2013 that I have been above treeline, walking along the snow, being beat by the wind, suffering, huffing, and puffing, slowly dropping one foot in front of the other, hearing others groaning, and I couldn't help but smile and feel true joy swelling inside me. I was conquering the mountain like I had done so many times before, and it felt incredible. I was finally me. I finished the marathon under the 8:30-time cutoff and I did struggle, but I truly loved the whole thing. Then, after the race, at the awards ceremony, I decided to put my number in the drawing for the Leadville Trail 100 Run. My number was drawn for the very last spot they were raffling that day. I am so thrilled! So, since I am embarking on such a HUGE journey and my employment is a little uncertain past September, I thought I would start a blog, because why not?

Leadville Race Series Leadville Marathon - 06/17/2017 - Leadville, CO